Todd Lincoln’s The Apparition is a truly horrifying film — not in the sense that it’s genuinely scary, but in the sense that it’s so horrific it doesn’t deserve to be in cinemas, let alone exist.
Perhaps the film could have some merit if the premise was, at the very least, intriguing. But no, we have a young suburban couple moving into a new home light years out of their price range — she works at a dog kennel, he’s an office techie — that is already home to a mysterious and malevolent presence. These two idiotic twenty-somethings wander the hallways in seemingly endless scenes consisting of nothing but loud noises and otherworldly sound effects. Do these strange encounters lead to anything of value? Of course not, that would force the filmmakers to conjure an actual story with substance, rather than attempt to recreate Paranormal Activity without the found-footage gimmick or actual scares.
Ashley Greene (The Twilight Saga) plays the dimwitted Kelly, who has a strange habit of encountering this ghostly presence whenever she’s in her underwear. One can almost picture the casting call for this film: “Looking for hot young brunette; little acting talent required; former role in Twilight preferred”.
Eye-candy for the ladies, meanwhile, comes in the form of Sebastian Stan (Captain America) playing the role of Kelly’s heroic boyfriend Ben, presumably because Robert Pattinson was busy. “No honey, I’ll go look, you stay here,” he says as he grabs the baseball bat that all couples keep under their bed in horror films. We’re then treated to yet another exhaustive hallway and closet examination, each of which culminates with someone whirling around out of fear of whatever two objects the sound guy had within reach to bang together at the time. In retrospect, Noisy Halls would be a more apt title for this trash.
Mercifully, the whole ordeal only lasts a measly 82 minutes, but that’s still too long for a film with no ambition aside from lightening your wallet. The Apparition is a film made by people who care nothing for their audience, so it seems only appropriate to respond in kind and avoid this aberration.